I read a quote on Sara Tasker’s (Me & Orla)’s site today about how reaching new goals requires we be filled with unwavering belief in ourselves. This isn’t a new concept but it is one that caught my attention, especially as it relates to empaths, where so many of us grew up mistrusting ourselves and/or lived through toxic relationships that fostered self-doubt. Knowing this, helps us to arm ourselves with the right tools. Knowing that the necessary self-trust isn’t going to be automatic for us and instead is something we will need to build up by knowing the process and pitfalls of growing into the goals we’ve set.

When you set new goals, and begin to make changes for seeing them through there are two things that will happen to keep you from growth:

01. triggers
02. self-sabotage

If you know how to navigate them, growth feels much easier. If you don’t, it’s easy to give up long before you ever create the change you want.

TRIGGERS

To understand triggers, we need to understand the mirror effect and the know that the universe will use the external world to mirror back where we need to grow internally to be able to receive what we want. These mirrored events serve to trigger us forward, but if we don’t understand what’s happening it’s easy to see them as bad omens or signs we aren’t supposed to have what we want… a victim mindset that stops us in our tracks.

For example, after deciding to put yourself first by spending one hour a day in your office with the door closed to focus on your work, you might have a family member tell you that you are selfish for taking time for yourself. If you fear being selfish and the fear of being perceived as selfish is holding you back from reaching your goal, their words will sting to make you aware that you have a fear to let go. This is happening to show you that (a) you have a fear of being seen as selfish (and underneath that a belief that you are selfish) and (b) that your fear of being seen as selfish (and belief that you are) needs to be cleared as your next level self requires you be more willing to put yourself first.

Another example, that happened to a student in my Empaths in Business program, was that after beginning the work to create a business selling her music compositions, her partner became abusive. His abuse wasn’t new, but it needed to become visible to her so she could see that she was settling for much less than she deserved and he couldn’t come with her as she grew into the level of worth required of her as an entrepreneur. The abuse was the mirror showing her where she didn’t respect herself, as the version of her with a business has self-respect. Though painful, the trigger happened to show her what needed to change for her and give her a choice to no longer shrink herself and take the abuse of others.

reflect

Think about a recent goal you’ve set and have starting to take action towards. Actions can be starting a new routine, setting a new boundary, etc. Were you triggered after taking an action towards it?

What outdated belief was being shown to you through that trigger?

Did you use the situation or event to move forward and learn your lesson, or shrink and hold yourself back from growing into the person you need to be to reach your goals?

SELF-SABOTAGE

Another thing that happens when we take action to change our lives is self-sabotage. In simple terms, self-sabotage is the habits and behaviours that we use to keep ourselves from growing our worth and moving forward with what we want. It’s based on the idea that as children and adolescents (and adults in abusive situations) we developed stories about who we are and what we deserve and anytime we try to outgrow that old self image, our unconscious minds will find creative ways to keep us tied to that old story of ourselves.

For example, right before I’m about to do something that is going to move me forward I feel a deep exhaustion in my bones. This makes sense, because if I am exhausted I can’t follow through and therefore will stay in an old version of myself. Without knowing that exhaustion is my way of self-sabotaging I would give in to it, have a nap, procrastinate and not do what I need to do to move myself forward. However because I know my exhaustion is self-sabotage (and simply a sign I am growing out of my comfort zone and into a new level of worth) I am able to recognize it and move myself through it when it shows up.

When it comes to my business, one of the ways I self-sabotage is by no longer wanting my profit goals. I’ll set them, create a plan to reach them and then no longer want them. When this happens and I catch myself feeling ‘indifferent’, I know I am self-sabotaging because new profit goals means a new version of myself and a new level of self-worth, and there is a part of me that doesn’t believe I am worthy of changing the story of who I am and what I deserve.

Related: 35 | Growing Into A New Season Of Work & Worth

Another way self-sabotage used to show up in my life was how I would create unnecessary fights in my romantic relationships. An example is for my 18th birthday I had planned a trip with my then-boyfriend and the night before I started a fight with him and cancelled it. Though I didn’t know it consciously, I didn’t feel worthy of going on such a nice trip with him. The same thing happened in my next relationship where I lived out the same pattern with dinner plans — right before we were supposed to leave for dinner at a fancy restaurant I was really excited about, I started a fight and we ended up not going. I didn’t know it consciously, but I felt unworthy of being someone who ate at a place so special. Starting a fight was my unconscious way of shrinking myself and staying small, and at the root not allowing myself to grow outside my comfort zone when it came to what I believed myself worthy of.

A few clues your behaviours are self-sabotage:


Not all behaviours are self-sabotage. Sometimes you’re tired because you’re tired, or you find yourself in an argument because there really is an issue you need to work through and express. Here are a few signs to run your behaviours through to see if they are self-sabotage:

→ your behaviour is a pattern (you’ve noticed it before, probably over and over)
→ your behaviour happens as you begin to take action towards a new identity or level of worth
→ if you give in to your behaviour, you’ll halt your forward growth

reflect

Think about your life and goals: Do you notice any patterns of self-sabotage? How do you personally hold yourself from moving forward and receiving what you want?

If this article helped, I speak much more to growing your worth in the Empowered Empath Journaling Course. I also speak to the wounds empaths face in business specifically in the Empaths in Business program.

x

Robin

If you’re new to my work:

Hi! I'm Robin —

The diarist behind The Diary of an Empath and creator of Empaths in Business, teaching empaths how to turn their work into a business that works, with strategy, healing and support.