Finding My Way Back: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Motherhood
A year has passed since I last logged into this space. It’s been a year of change and growth and challenges. While the pause was necessary, I am beginning to feel the call back here, to writing again.
disappearing from this space
I don't know when things started to shift for me - sometime during the pandemic years - when I stated to feel unsafe being online. I noticed myself saying less, hiding my true thoughts and feelings, going from a girl with all kinds of spark, to an unrecognizable shell of myself. For years I thought it was a depression. Afterall, with a background in mental health, I knew what to look for. And in some ways, I think it was; the things that once brought me joy felt lifeless. I became numb and wondered "what's the point" of doing anything at all.
Things took a turn when I was pregnant. The uncertainty surrounding my career, and then how I’d manage as a new mom, created a new sense of fear. At the same time, nurturing a life inside of me gave me a newfound motivation to get help. I started working with a perinatal therapist and a massage therapist to reduce stress. I saw a naturopath and worked to get my body the nutrients it needed to think clear thoughts.
Then, our little one was born and for a few weeks everything was good. I couldn’t believe how incredible our baby was and how easily I felt myself fitting into the role of being his mom. However, soon after I started to drown in the demands and responsibilities of it all. I can’t tell you when, or how, I think my own mind has filtered that out, but it took months to feel some semblance of myself, and truthfully, in many ways, I don’t know if I have; it’s more like, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now and that light is giving me the strength to make the changes I need to make, including coming back here.
building self-compassion
One thing I’ve thought a lot about over the past year is how hard I can be on myself. I’ve been an advocate for women throughout so much of my work, and yet, found it difficult to give myself grace as I became a mom and transitioned through the life changing period of pregnancy and then postpartum. Self-compassion has been a reoccurring theme in my therapy sessions — how do I approach this new normal with more gentleness?
One strategy that has worked is challenging what society says motherhood is meant to look and feel like and instead, respect the honest emotions I experience. Such as the anger I’ve felt at the lack of day-to-day support. Being angry about the childcare shortage and how I felt no choice but to become the default parent are both valid. Anger is an action-based emotion; and being angry doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy being a mom, or that I am not a good mom, it means that I sense an imbalance and want to correct it.
postpartum mental health challenges
A highlight of this year has been connecting with other new moms. It's been comforting to know I’m not alone in navigating the challenges of pregnancy and postpartum. It’s also been eye-opening to see how common postpartum depression and anxiety is.
While having awareness for postpartum mental health challenges is crucial, I've been questioning the extent to which we place the burden solely on individual women. Are we blaming a woman’s mental health, or ‘lack of coping skills and strategies’, for broader societal issues? Labeling a woman's postpartum experience as "depression" or "anxiety" can sometimes overshadow the very real and normal human emotions that would accompany anyone going through the identity, lifestyle and career/financial changes that new parents — and in particular, new moms — feel.
When coupled with the lack of support and the unequal caregiving burden still placed on women, it's no wonder so many of us are struggling during our children’s first few years.
Psychiatry itself is rooted in patriarchal value systems and has been used to control and silence women (the practice of husbands committing wives to asylums for dissent is a horrifying reminder of this) and I can't help but wonder if the contemporary diagnosis of postpartum mental health conditions is a subtle continuation of this trend — pathologizing women's experiences and dismissing them.
This isn't to diminish the reality of mental health challenges or the value of resources available through formal diagnoses. It’s just been important to my own wellbeing and sense of identity to consider how we can better support women (including ourselves!) by addressing societal factors like inadequate support systems and imbalanced caregiving roles.
Where my work is headed
In terms of my work and where it’s headed — to start, I’ll be here posting. Navigating the challenges this past year has made me even more passionate about having real conversations on what it means to be a sensitive woman in life and in business. I also have a busy life with a 14-month old (and new baby on the way) that I want to share glimpses of — most of all, though, for the first time in months, sitting down to write has me feeling like myself.
While I am proud of the Empaths in Business program and everything it has become since I first offered it in 2019, both my life and the world of business have changed, and it’s time for the program to change as well. I am letting my spirit guide me on this, and recently asked for a sign if I am meant to re-offer the program again. In the meantime, I am in the process of reformatting the program for past students (prior to Oct ‘23) to access.
Aside from that, I’ve had dreams about what this new wave of my work is meant to look like, hints and feelings, but for now those ideas are in incubation, waiting for when I can create the time to begin nurturing them. There are also passion projects I’ve had to put on hold over the past year that I hope to return to slowly over the next few months.
reinspiring myself
One of the motivations to return to this space was a conversation I had where I realized that having this blog and business makes me a better person. Whether it’s taking photos that slows me down and has me appreciate the small, quieter moments or how setting and achieving new goals in business makes me challenge old mindsets and create new empowered habits.
But — that’s not to say I’m not apprehensive. In coming back to this space and publishing this post I’m feeling the way most new beginnings feel — guarded. I am also full of self-judgement. How could you let your work slip like this? Why couldn’t you hold it together? These thoughts only serve to hold me back, so I’ll name them and send them love so that I can move forward knowing that I did the best I could with the resources I had available at the time, and that to become confident in my voice again, I must share through the fears. Regardless of how uncomfortable it may feel.
If you’re a new mom or you’re undergoing a transition of your own, I hope you take the time you need in order to stabilize through the very real changes you are experiencing in mind, body and soul.
The rush so many of us feel to bounce back and have it all together is robbing us from the life that is lived in transitions; in the seasons that are far from “put together” and yet hold so much joy for us.
Like watching my son learn to smile and laugh and walk! and discovering new sides of myself, those moments happened while I was barely keeping myself afloat. You may not have it all figured out, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do something wonderful for yourself right now. Somedays all I could do was shower, and on those days, that needed to be enough.
And if you have someone in your life who is struggling in pregnancy or postpartum, have patience with them so that they can have patience with themselves. Supporting women and new parents is a responsibility we all have.
See you on the blog soon.
And thank you for your patience as I found my way back.
xo
Robin